It started in my fists, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids.

[bondsoflove]

Characters: Sasuke, hallucinations ranging from younger versions of himself to amalgamations of people he loves, his horse, and you.
Open? Yes.
Where: The edge of the two-faced forest, out of sight of the shack.
When: midmorning, RD18
What: Insanity log!
Warnings: Not literal blood, but imagined blood and spoken of blood, and a lot of it. Talk of violence, torture, mental illness, self-victim-blaming, identity-splitting, psychosis... basically what you'd expect from Sasuke. There may be mentions of rape--please let me know if you would like to avoid this topic while threading.



The sun beat against his forehead, beads of sweat forming and clinging to his skin before soaking into his hairline. The grass was itchy through the tunic, and a little damp; the light made his eyes sting, but he couldn't turn his head in either direction without seeing the fury and hatred rolling off of all of them in tangible, visible waves.

"Are you listening to me?" The voice was high, raw with grief.

"No," Sasuke answered. The sky was almost as blue as Naruto's irises when he wasn't possessed by the nine-tailed fox's bloodlust.

"Pay attention." This one came from Sasuke's other side. Still high, but closer to the low growl he had now. "It's your fault. The least you can do is listen."

"Shut up." Sasuke pressed his forearm against his eyes, forcing himself into darkness. The ghosts of his mother and father took the opportunity to burn their faces into his mind's eye, features grotesque, twisted with rage. They held out their hands to him, and their fingers curled to claws, blood dripping from every pore in their skin.

He opened his eyes.

"It's your fault Mother and Father are dead." The first voice had a smug quality to it now, almost mocking. He turned to face himself, baby fat and his huge, dark eyes making him seem more innocent than what he was, a specter more real than Sasuke himself who hid behind shadows and followed him always, to remind him what he'd done wrong every time he came close to forgetting. The child's face twisted into an ugly scowl, and his eyes filled with tears that streamed down his fat cheeks.

"Everything is your fault!" Little Sasuke screamed.

Sasuke curled a fist and socked him in the stomach. The image disappeared.

"Doing that doesn't make him wrong."

His head tilted to the other side, and the Avenger was crouched there, a dark and terrifying avatar of the strength Sasuke had never quite been able to achieve. Cold. Emotionless. Constantly humming in fire and electricity, now that Sasuke couldn't produce it on his own. Never farther away than the little one, to take his place if Sasuke banished the first.

The Avenger's mouth made a fanged, cruel expression that could have been interpreted as a grin. "If you hadn't been so selfish, maybe you could have saved them. If you hadn't been so soft, he wouldn't have taken you."

"Go away," Sasuke grunted, rolling over onto his other side. The child was back, rocking back and forth.

"Nii-san died because you were stupid," he whispered.

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you," said the Avenger, cold hands dusting against the back of Sasuke's neck and wrapping around it, pressing, pressing, not choking. "You should have died as a child."

"Should have let me go to sleep," Little Sasuke agreed. "Instead you made me suffer. Everything is your fault."

"Shut UP!"

The ground surrounding them went up in flames. Three pairs of dark eyes flickered with orange and red.

Comments

[bondsoflove]

Unspecific. That explained why it had worked--his other selves weren't ghosts, not really. Projections of himself, perhaps.

The silence was soothing, and the prickle he usually felt at the back of his neck, letting him know he was being stared at with red or black eyes, was gone.

"Can you teach me how to do it?"

Having that on hand could prove very useful, when he needed to focus.

[shiromadoushi]

"Eh? Aaaa-- I could try!" Bakura rubbed the back of his neck again. "I don't know how well I could explain it, so you'd have to be very patient with me," he apologized, a touch sheepish.

[bondsoflove]

But no--healing chakra, if that was what it was, required excellent reserves and control. "Never mind."

For a moment, the silence rang in his ears. He wasn't sure yet if the sensation was enjoyable. "How long will the effects last?"

[shiromadoushi]

"I'm not really sure... normally shields like that last for a turn, which is normally until the end of a battle. When it's not in a fight, it's pretty variable. It might be a day, maybe a week, or it might just slowly wear off."

[bondsoflove]

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "A turn? War isn't shogi." Not that he'd ever played; he was too busy training for actual battle, where your opponent struck whenever they saw an opening, and whether it was their turn or not made no difference. Thinking it would was a fast and easy way to die, facing real combat.

He didn't have much time. A week's freedom would be bliss, but already the dark, hungry voices were rising from silence to an unintelligible mutter. They'd be back by the time he slept again, if not sooner. "When can you do it again?"

[shiromadoushi]

"Aaa-- it's because it's based off magic from a game, I think..." Bakura admitted sheepishly. "Or at least it was when I got it, I don't know if coming here changed it again. I don't get into many fights so really..." he trailed off apologetically.

As for the second question, he debated a moment, closing his eyes a moment to check his reserves. "In the morning, I think," he finally answered, opening his eyes again. "Something that big... a good nights sleep should restore that," he smiled.

[bondsoflove]

"Wow. Really," Sasuke commented, sarcasm tinting the phrase. Not that he'd seen any, but Bakura looked like he'd be completely useless in a fight. He could heal, and had a brittle, thin body; if he was hiding physical prowess or offense, he was doing a damn good job of it.

In the morning. Good. He'd be coming to Bakura fresh from another nightmare, as long as Shin didn't fuck with him, vulnerable and raw.

He wasn't sure yet if showing that was a price worth paying for a measure of quiet.

[shiromadoushi]

The only real physical strength Bakura had was in his legs. Two years of living on the 10th floor only taking the stairs as to not disappoint the memory of a friend who'd been sent home had done wonders for that. But no matter how many times he tried to learn to fight, the damage to his left arm had always stood in the way. His magic was where his strength lay, not his body.

His magic was what would let him stop someone's heart if he lost his morality again...

"Healers are only really good fighting against the undead or in groups," he explained, despite not needing to. "When Kogenta left, I never really found anyone else I could work that well with," he shrugged.

[bondsoflove]

"Not true. There's never more than one medic assigned to a four-man cell." He'd never fought against the undead--if there was a way to purge vengeful spirits with healing chakra, no one had ever made note of it. "Throwing a bunch of healers at the enemy lines is just a fast way to lose."

[shiromadoushi]

Bakura nodded. "A shield's without a sword beside it only delays the inevitable," he agreed.

[bondsoflove]

"Did you have a sword?"

Although the possibility that Bakura was actually battle-hardened, at least in the way Sasuke was used to, was very small, he spoke like someone who had at least gotten into a scuffle or two. "Or were you thrown out as a pawn?"

[shiromadoushi]

Bakura shook his head. "Not here. I had..." he trailed off a moment, thinking of the lightsaber he had gotten from Ben for a long painful moment before shaking his head again. "It didn't come with me. Not that I was very good with it to start with!" he amended with a soft laugh. "That's why I need a group or a partner again. When Kogenta was still around back home, it really did work out perfect! My magic powered him up and protected and healed him while he fought... But it's been years since then," he shrugged. "The closest I found to replacing that was when Ben and Fakir were still here, but they were sent back not long after we arrived."

He looked down at his robes, idly picking away a bit of grass that was clinging to it. "So I guess you could say that I'm just a pawn again."

[bondsoflove]

"Better here than somewhere else," Sasuke muttered, following Bakura's hands to his clothes as they fidgeted. "You don't have to worry about anyone killing you in your sleep, here."

[shiromadoushi]

Bakura shrugged a little. "Back there I had everyone with me." Not... that that had stopped him from being killed... but that really had been his own stupidity and naiveity. "And Hell Towers was pretty secure if you didn't let the wrong person inside. I never had any worry about anything like that there."

[bondsoflove]

"How did you know you weren't letting the wrong people inside?"

There was something about Bakura. Strange, but the thought of him getting hurt via his naivety didn't hit Sasuke with the usual indifference, the thought that he'd have it coming.

He felt almost protective.

Scowling, he ripped up a chunk of grass and tossed it at the shield surrounding them to see what happened.

[shiromadoushi]

It passed effortlessly through as if the only barely visible bubble weren't there.

Bakura feel quiet a moment, reaching up to rub at the side of his neck, almost feeling the sensation of teeth ripping into it as he had before.

"You didn't." It was a simple answer. Simple and honest as his hand feel to his side again.

It was the one thing he regretted... He had been stupid and as result of his death, Alastair had rampaged. If he hadn't gotten himself killed, his brother would never had that fire for revenge rekindled inside of him once more, would never had stolen the souls of those who had had the misfortune to cross his path in his blind rage...

[bondsoflove]

"And you just trusted it, blindly."

Bakura was somewhere else. Sasuke knew that expression, the slight unfocusing of eyes as the gaze turned somewhere inward.

He had a feeling that trust hadn't worked out very well.

[shiromadoushi]

Bakura nodded. "I guess that's just the one thing I never learn," he smiled, waving it off.

[bondsoflove]

"Learn it."

Sasuke lay back, pillowing his head on his arm as he looked up at the top of the shield. "Everyone says walls shut out the good things in life, but it's not worth it to open yourself up to attack."

[shiromadoushi]

Bakura shook his head. "If I never trusted anyone, I wouldn't be here. Or anywhere. A life alone... there's no way I could ever go back to that. I just need to get better at being able to tell who I can trust, and who I shouldn't, that's all."

[bondsoflove]

"You don't have to be alone to be mistrustful."

Sasuke hadn't been alone in years--not truly. Before Madara and Zetsu, there was Team Hawk; before them, Orochimaru; before him, Team Seven, the academy and his family. There were certain things to be said about having allies--a decreased death rate, for one--but trust was unnecessary. Dangerous.

[shiromadoushi]

"Makes it harder to make new friends when you're always winding up somewhere new, and when everything keeps changing," Bakura pointed out with a soft smile.

dat icon. Bakura is so pretty *-*

[bondsoflove]

"Which is why it's better not to get invested," Sasuke replied. He might not have been alone, but Naruto had been the first and last person he called "friend", and the word had brought nothing but pain.

He bit the inside of his cheek. "Companionship doesn't require trust."

http://kokorononaka.net/Temp/sign/ This dounjin is sparkly~

[shiromadoushi]

"Friendship does."

Very sparkly.

[bondsoflove]

"And I'm saying friendship isn't necessary."

It was irritating--lying here in the stillness of Bakura's shield, listening to his idealistic commentary on bonds. Complicated and messy, Sasuke had made an effort to purge himself of them. The naivety of it, Bakura's willingness to weaken himself for the sake of a personal connection--

It rankled him.