eswareinmal | Log: Fourth of Rebirth's Decline

Entry tags:

Log: Fourth of Rebirth's Decline

Characters: Helios Sprensonne (

folklorist) & Rupert Giles (

consultmybooks)
Open? Nope
Where: Somewhere in town
When: Night of the 4th of RD (backdated!)
What: Lots of talking and explaining oh and awkward so much awkward.
Warnings: A for awkward and PG-13 too, maybe?

It was after the day, later, much later when Helios found himself unable to sleep and unable to read or do much of anything. The dreams from the night before weighing heavily on his mind. It didn't make any sense what happened. Why him? How could Giles actually have...

No. It was just a dream, nothing more than that. People sometimes didn't have control over those, he knew that. So why was something so simple and insignificant as a kiss making him this way. He can't honestly see the merit in having feelings for someone like himself though, never could, not after what happened. Yet here was a man whom he so very close to and that goes and happens.

He's a terrible person to have feelings for. Absolutely terrible which is why he was glad it was just a dream. But sometimes dreams mean more than their superficial exteriors are given credit for and Helios just isn't sure what to make of it. Still, he'll be sitting outside one of the smaller shops on a bench. Not really doing much besides just looking up at the sky and the stars. It really was gorgeous here when you took a moment to look at it. Stargazing, aside from reading and practicing his spells, always helped calm him somewhat; helped keep his thoughts in order too.

He was just...very confused and he knew that they would have to talk eventually. But he's not sure he's ready to do that just yet. If the feeling of his stomach dropping at the mere thought was any inclination of his trepidation towards the matter. A tired sigh as he leans back, eyes closed for a few moments, and he just takes in the calm peaceful air of town around him.

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That is what family is supposed to do. Maybe one day he'll say it, someday in the future. But for now they both know what should be said and what could eventually be said.

"I-I was just...trying to help you like, like anyone else would." And he's glad it's made the other's life better, wonderful, more happy. He's glad he could finally make such an impact on someone. It's just frightening to think about how much he could ruin it too. But those are fears meant for another day, another time. Right now he's just glad nothing has been ruined and that the two of them can actually still talk in each other's presence. That's more than enough for him if it came down to things turning badly. But then again they're both well beyond their years and he was stupid thinking that something in a dream could potentially ruin everything they had.

He smiles a little swaying slightly in a mock gesture of actually being nudged. "With all we've b-been through I-I think that's, that's quite the term." Everything they went through together in Luceti and even here. It took something more than just simple friends to make it through it as well as they have. A family. "W-We're, um, a slightly less conventional one though." A light laugh.

"But I-I think that you're right." The only thing that would make it perfect would be Elise.

One day, perhaps, Elise can come here. Giles would love to meet her, would love to meet the woman who gave Helios such happiness. He's sure she must be a wonderful person.

"Hang 'conventional'. Sometimes it's, it's the least conventional bonds that are the strongest." Sometimes it's the girl with her ragtag band of friends that can save the world. "I've, um...well, I've s-seen that for myself, time and time again. Trust me."

He knows that Helios does, but sometimes it bears reminding him. Just so long as Giles remains trustworthy.

One day. One day he'd like for everyone to meet her and just to be around her again. He still has his trepidations about such a meeting but, one day perhaps it can be a dream come true.

"Oh, yes, I-I've seen it. I-I think Ra would agree to an extent. Though he might deny the bond part and simply call it an occupation. I think the castle is filled with them, unconventional bonds, and some of them are the strongest. Humans and demons, vampires and werewolves. It's not something you'd see everyday but it's true and powerful if given the chance." Helios laughs a little under his breath. The dragon god and him certainly did have an unconventional bond back home. But without the other Helios would have died that night so he can't say he minds, he'd never mind even if that wasn't the case. Ra can be a bit insufferable but Helios has grown to like the other and he's certain Ra has mutual feelings even if they're glossed over with that insufferable attitude of his.

"I-I'm sorry Giles. For, for th-thinking what I have when we started talking. I-I do trust you on, on so many levels and I-I trust you when we t-talk about things too. And I just want to thank you f-for listening when we have." Because he knows sometimes how terribly dour and awkward it can be to talk to him. Even if that isn't true, even if it isn't what Giles thinks at all, it's something Helios believes. But maybe in time he can get over such thoughts like he has with everything else. "I've c-come a long way since I met you. I never thought I would t-to be honest." He can't say he would have done it on his own, because he might not have. If it's the one thing that's helped him along it's most certainly would be he friends. They gave him a strength and a purpose and he really can't articulate into words how grateful he is for that.

"If...if there's ever anything you want to talk about, Helios, you can. I, um, I will listen, Always. And...I, um, I can't say that I won't be upset, or, um, I might not understand, but...that, th-that won't change anything. I will listen, and, a-and I'll certainly try to understand, and...we, we will s-still be friends."

It is, on occasion, dour and awkward to talk to Helios, and absolutely exhausting on a mental and emotional level to drag him out of his bad days. On the other hand...well, Helios is at a point where he'll be dour and awkward, where he apparently doesn't feel absolutely required to put on a happy face for everyone, all the time. It's a positive step, in a way.

"And...and bearing that in mind, Helios, bearing a-all that in mind, including the f-fact that I mean every word as much as I can mean anything...there's something I have to ask you."

Giles tries to keep his voice level, and succeeds a bit more easily than he had before, because...because, after this talk, he's not afraid anymore, he's not really worried what the answer might be. But not knowing...well, the fear of uncertainty has driven Giles to do worse things, in the past.

"I-I know. I-I appreciate that. I'm s-sorry I...I make things d-difficult at times f-for you and, and Ginia." And sometimes he will hole himself up and not talk about it and never mention it to either of them. Bad days that he still has, but he's slowly getting better at not making them so frequent. Still talking about things is hard for him even after how far he's come. In the end it's always him, never anyone else, because he knows Giles will listen and try to understand but he just...always feels like a burden when he does. He still tries to put on a happy face but it's...not a bad thing when he can't either. He's not sure if he should even mention the other dreams he had. They're almost too painful, really, to even want to talk about.

Helios will look back at the other curiously and also somewhat uncertain. He hears the tone of voice in the other, knows something is wrong. But he's also willing to listen and try to answer to the best of his abilities.

"O-Of course. I, ah, I'll try to answer to-to the best of my abilities." He doesn't sound all that certain though his gaze falling back to the ground.

"What happened..." Giles takes off his glasses, but can't even bring himself to clean them. His body feels heavy as lead even as he's less substantial than air. But he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, steels himself, and plunges on. "Helios...while I was gone...w-what happened, between you and, and Alice?"

The things he'd seen, in his own dream...the affection, the intimacy, the love, even glimpsed out of the corner of his eye Helios and Alice had been so obviously in love. From what little Giles knows of Alice, he knows that she's a pragmatic being, or at least one that attempts to be her own twisted version of pragmatic. He doesn't really believe that she could conjure up images like that, strong enough that they were imprinted on his mind, his dreamscape...without some very intense feelings to go along with them.

And Helios' stomach drops to the floor. He wasn't expecting that question because now he's wondering how Giles even knew. Alice wasn't around, at least when he had last spoken with Ginia, and gods he knows Ginia wouldn't have talked about that. He looks honestly afraid for a few seconds because he can't really imagine Giles not being angry about this. His voice catches in his throat along with his breath, and it's several seconds later that he's actually able to respond. Nothing really happened in truth. Just another experiment toying with people's emotions and Malnosso's idea of a cruel ironic joke. The fact that he could never feel that emotion anymore and then giving it back to him for a week was always something that made him sick to think about.

"Giles. I-I can...I can explain." His voice is a little shaky because this was something he wasn't planning on talking about and oh god Giles was probably so angry with him.

"I-I'm sorry I-I should have t-told you sooner." Helios look back at Giles in utter, utter apology.

"I...I just d-didn't know how and-and it was an experiment. It-it w-wasn't anything...anything..." real. Or true, or even long lasting. The effects and the profound emptiness he always felt when love is concerned were still there even after the experiment. The guilt still very much apparent as he talks about it now. He'll ball up his hands, biting his lip.

"H-How did you...how did you know?" Because he doesn't understand. Unless...oh, gods, Alice was in his own dream so this must have been the same for Giles at some point too.

"Alice."

He's not angry, Helios. Just...disappointed. In Helios, in himself, in Ginia and Alice, Luceti on the whole and the entire sodding universe. But, well, he'd had his fears more or less since the beginning that Ginia might come to prefer Helios. It was just Giles' way to worry like that. Really, in a way, it had been almost a relief to realize that it was Alice instead of Ginia.

Almost.

"Last night...well, you, you weren't the only to, um, arrive in my dreams. N-Not by, um, any stretch of the imagination. I, um, I suppose whatever...'bits' of Ginia's mind make up Alice must have, um, f-found it a bit easier to, to traverse the dreamscape, and...well, um, we met. We talked. And, um, as the dream in question happened to be set in, in what I've always imagined your world to be...she asked about you." And, despite all his efforts, Giles can't quite keep a sour note out of his voice as he adds: "Repeatedly."

Helios is disappointed in himself too. He is so disappointed and so very, very sorry that this is was how Giles had to find out.

"I-I'm sorry. I-I couldn't control myself. If-if you're a-angry I-I understand." He fully understands and he wonders now if everything they just discussed was for naught. He fights back a flinch but it still comes out despite his best efforts.

"I'm so sorry. It was w-wrong and I explained to Alice after we w-were back to normal again." If he could change what happened he would. He would change it with a lot of effort because it was nice feeling that way, loved again being able to love again, but it was so terribly wrong. Wrong and not his place to have done that. But Luceti doesn't care about such morals of the people who live there.

"It n-never a-amounted to anything." A pause, "but sh-she knows. She knows about N-Nero now."

He sounds slightly more scared when he says his elder brother's name there is always fear and terror when Nero is talked about. As if saying it will make the other appear like a nightmarish horror.

"Yes, Helios, it did. You, um, you might wish it hadn't, but y-you, you didn't see her, last night. The very thought of you...well, I'm, um, I'm not sure I've ever seen her quite that...happy. She loves you. I, ah...I really think she still does."

Funny, that...in the usual terribly-not-funny way of the world. Helios was the reason Alice had always set Giles' teeth on edge. Of course Helios and Alice would wind up bonding, becoming friends, even falling in love. And Ginia doesn't know a thing about it.

"Well. He isn't here. There's, um, there's that, a-at least."

Helios might feel guilty about expressing any negative sentiment towards his brother. Giles has no such compunctions.

He winces and hunches a little on himself at that remark. He wishes it hadn't because it wasn't fair to her, to Ginia, to Giles. He made a mess out of things...no. The Malnosso made a mess out of things again. His stomach drops at the mentioning of her loving and he can only shake his head. "N-No. It-it's not like that." Not hat kind of love, or maybe he just hopes it's not because he's such a terrible person to love. Always messing things up, never knowing how to act or even what to do anymore. He was a terrible person to love even if he's only trying to make himself believe that.

"I-It c-can't be like that. B-Because I can't..." he just looks at anywhere but Giles. "After Elise...I haven't been able to feel that sort of emotion towards anyone anymore." It's a painful admission, the sorrow and sadness and lack of emotion in his voice tells everything. Even if his expression is deadpan and so very tired. It's not something he ever tells anyone but Giles isn't just anyone. It only serves to remind him of how terrible he would be at it. Love. Gods it's been five years or more since then. Valentine's Day was a shock because that emotion was so powerful, it made him feel almost alive again. But it was wrong and that wasn't how it was supposed to be.

"T-true lights only have-have one person they're supposed to be with for as long as they live." He'll blink rapidly staving off that stinging in his eyes. Alice wasn't it.

"I-I should...I should t-talk to her." About this and about his own dream too. "S-Sorry. I...I made things difficult a-again for you. I-I don't...I don't know what to say." And for that reason he's truly sorry about it. Because he should but what else was to say? He never meant to do that with her, gods, not Alice of all people. But he also feels so terribly sad because if her feelings are still that strong and lingering it wasn't fair to either Giles or Ginia.

Edited 2012-06-09 19:58 (UTC)

"I suppose love might be that utterly sensible in your world, Helios. But, it's, it isn't quite the same, for the rest of us. We love who we can't have all the time...n-no matter how much it hurts."

Giles is upset, and sad, and it shows in his tone of voice. But he's upset and sad over a great many things, not angry. It's so very hard to ever be angry at Helios, and even if he could find it in himself to feel that way...it would be different, if it had been Ginia. But Giles has no claim on Alice. He doesn't love her, she doesn't love him, beyond the sad obligation she seems to feel as a tenant in Ginia's body.

Besides. He'd loved Helios, once, as something other than a friend or a brother. It's not as though he can't understand what Alice might see in him. He does, probably more than she knows.

"I agree, you should. Of course...well, that would involve drawing her out, an unpredictable job at best."

...or so he'd always understood it to be. Giles realizes with some trepidation that even that might have changed, in three and a half months.

Helios, on the other hand, doesn't quite fully understand what either of the two of them ever saw in him. Giles a little bit more now after all of this but Alice...he doesn't think himself anything special and certainly not anyone who should be loved in such a way.

"I just don't understand." He sounds utterly lost when he says that. He never knows what to do in these situations and so he sounds mildly awkward too.

"I don't even know what I-I would say. I-I told her a-about me. About why it would never work." It would only cause her unnecessary pain in the end, so he doesn't really see why she would bother still. He sighs sounding utterly exhausted and defeated by this entire exchange in general. And then his mind drifts to ideas of leaving this town, this place in general. It would be easier if he did, wouldn't it?

No. No he can't think like that. It would only make them worry more.

"Why aren't you angry w-with me?" He doesn't understand that either. Giles should be, he should be a great deal angrier than he is, which he's not, and Helios doesn't understand that. He'll bite his lip and look away shifting in his seat as if to try and move away.

"Because you never were, with me." Giles looks very, very pointedly at Helios' hand, the one that still, even worlds away, bears the scars of a knife. "Even when I'd done far worse to deserve it.

"Because it was an experiment." People changed, during experiments. Sometimes, they became things entirely besides what they were supposed to be. The Malnosso had proven just as easily able to manipulate the mind and the body. Even the soul. Giles knew that.

"Because...I, I-I trust that you'd, um, never willingly do me harm." This is a bit of a harder admission. Because the Malnosso had made him fear that, in the past, made him fear Helios forgetting about him, no longer caring, moving on. But that had only been another of their designs, and a future that had never been. If he kept telling himself that enough, Giles could even believe it.

"...because you...y-you would have been good for them. Either of them." There had been days, where he'd wondered if Ginia would come to prefer Helios, over him.

"Because I, I don't love Alice and, a-and even if I did...sh-she was always free to, to find someone else. I wasn't there."

And that's the cold and practical truth of it, and the part that hurts the most to admit. Even so, Giles forces himself. Helios told him the truth. He owes the other man the same.

"You t-told me that night that you'd n-never harm me. And I'll tell you the same thing. I...I would never do anything to harm you or Ginia. Not-not of my own free will. Luceti and this place though...it-it's harder to keep such promises, isn't it?" He feels that stare at his hand and just...shifts a little bit trying to conceal it. The pain he went through that night never did leave him. Neither did the nightmares, infrequent now, but always still there. But even so, he sounds sincere when he speaks those words and he truly means them too. Never in a million years would he ever harm the other because he just couldn't do it, not a man he considered his brother. He doesn't look back at Giles though. It hurts to hear those words "good for them" how could he be good for them if he couldn't even be good for Elise?

"I don't think I would be good at all." Never gives himself enough credit for these things. He probably would have just wound up getting them hurt and he has already, hasn't he? The bakery the day before Halloween. He'd never be as good for either of them as Giles thinks.

Helios winces though and finally looks back at Giles. "It w-wasn't because you l-left Giles. Ginia...Ginia never stopped thinking about you. I-I never did either. E-Everyone missed you when you left, a-and no one would ever forget you. Not-not like that, not ever." Helios isn't sure he ever could forget. Maybe with Malnosso intervention but never on his own accord.

"She missed you s-so terribly much. I-I tried to help her but...I don't think I was the right p-person to do so." How can he help someone when he himself was so riddled with the same loss? "It wasn't enough."

"...I seem to recall you saying much the same when you came back with Robert, as well."

That particular memory is still fresh in his mind, even through the haze of pain and disorientation that had hung over him like a sickness after facing Schwartz. He'd been short with Helios, that day, but only because he'd been out of sorts and terrified at the idea that Helios had been kidnapped and Giles hadn't remembered it.

"Claiming that, um, y-you weren't a 'suitable' person to assist one of your friends, when, in fact, as a sympathetic friend going through, um, a very similar experience, or having gone through it in the past, you were, um, probably ideal."

Helios' eyes widen at the recollection. Gods Robert going through that, even now, made him cringe and wince in pain and mild horror.

Helios looks at Giles sullen but appreciative. "O-Oh. Y-Yes. I-I suppose you're right. E-Even then I...I don't know if I helped R-Robert." He'll sigh and shake his head.

"I-I couldn't help him in the end with, with the p-pain. There's no way to help that." Unless he got rid of his soul. The pain that he's always in, no cure, no nothing.

"I d-don't know about ideal but I...I was there as m-much as possible." For Ginia and Robert. It's all he could really offer at the time whilst not burdening them with his own problems.

"There is no 'ideal' in a situation like that, Helios. In, um, in most cases, it isn't a matter of being able to, t-to fix matters right then and there."

Giles knows that, well, he's one to talk. Not being able to fix a problem just as it arises, whether that problem is a bloodthirsty goddess or a friend in pain, is agony to him. But he remembers the words a woman spoke to him a long time ago, about how sometimes people needed time, and space, to get better. They stuck with him, and so he can at least pass the advice along.

"Being there as, um, as a friend...that's enough, and, a-and that's really all you can expect of yourself, or that anyone can ask of you."

Helios laughs a little shaking his head as he does so. "No there really isn't, is there? N-Not in a-any situation like that." He looks at the sky then sighing as he relaxes just a little leaning back into the bench. "I just...w-want to fit it as much as p-possible." Always, no matter what the cost, but Giles probably knows that better than anyone. Selfless to a fault, really, but he can't honestly not be. It's just something that's become ingrained in him.

"I-I should. I know. But I just..." he looks back at Giles with a small shrug. "I can't help it." Seeing people in pain, pain like he's been in or experienced...

He really can't help but try to do everything he can for them, even if being there as a friend is good enough.

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Log: Fourth of Rebirth's Decline

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I never got this notif!!! /punts DW

/also punts DW

>:( it has failed us!!

/shakes fist at uncaring heavens

why do they forsaken usss

All is lost! All!

Noooo.

/dies

D8 nooo

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