eswareinmal | Log: Fourth of Rebirth's Decline

Entry tags:

Log: Fourth of Rebirth's Decline

Characters: Helios Sprensonne (

folklorist) & Rupert Giles (

consultmybooks)
Open? Nope
Where: Somewhere in town
When: Night of the 4th of RD (backdated!)
What: Lots of talking and explaining oh and awkward so much awkward.
Warnings: A for awkward and PG-13 too, maybe?

It was after the day, later, much later when Helios found himself unable to sleep and unable to read or do much of anything. The dreams from the night before weighing heavily on his mind. It didn't make any sense what happened. Why him? How could Giles actually have...

No. It was just a dream, nothing more than that. People sometimes didn't have control over those, he knew that. So why was something so simple and insignificant as a kiss making him this way. He can't honestly see the merit in having feelings for someone like himself though, never could, not after what happened. Yet here was a man whom he so very close to and that goes and happens.

He's a terrible person to have feelings for. Absolutely terrible which is why he was glad it was just a dream. But sometimes dreams mean more than their superficial exteriors are given credit for and Helios just isn't sure what to make of it. Still, he'll be sitting outside one of the smaller shops on a bench. Not really doing much besides just looking up at the sky and the stars. It really was gorgeous here when you took a moment to look at it. Stargazing, aside from reading and practicing his spells, always helped calm him somewhat; helped keep his thoughts in order too.

He was just...very confused and he knew that they would have to talk eventually. But he's not sure he's ready to do that just yet. If the feeling of his stomach dropping at the mere thought was any inclination of his trepidation towards the matter. A tired sigh as he leans back, eyes closed for a few moments, and he just takes in the calm peaceful air of town around him.

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It's with a conscious effort that Giles doesn't just appear on the bench next to Helios. He's nervous, anxious, after all he's seen and done and heard last night and today. Unfortunately, it's already a habit by now to flicker in and out of sight like someone fiddling with a light switch when he's nervous.

But, as he comes across Helios on his bench, staring up at the stars, Giles pauses. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and passes right on by Helios with a supreme effort of will. Giles walks all the way to the end of the street before he lets himself fade a bit more sedately than he normally does back into view. Then he turns and, hearing the memory of his heart pounding in his ears, walks back to Helios.

"...nice night, isn't it?" he asks softly, standing before the other man. He won't sit down next to him, not without being asked. For someone like Helios, well, last night must have been unnerving and frightening enough. If he needs his space, just this once, Giles will give him space.

It was a horrible night and a very good one too. He remembers things vaguely but it's not as if he hasn't had those dreams before. Elise, the castle, everyone celebrating as his and countless other mythica's lifelong dream is fulfilled. No one is in pain or forgotten or hurting; everything was perfect. But it was just a dream like Ginia said and nothing more. And then there was the one with Apep and Alice and gods the horror it was. Before he has a chance to lapse back into such vivid memories his eyes flare open and there's a startled gasp from him as he slightly shifts in his seat. Though really if there wasn't a back to these benches he might have just fallen backwards and onto the floor.

"Gods. G-Giles I-I didn't even..." hear you or see you, no kidding Helios, derp. His hand covering the pounding heart in his chest slowly goes back down to his side as he lets out a sigh. He'll blink looking back at the other in the soft light being given off by still illuminated store fronts. Everything that happened comes rushing back and he looks away briefly his face burning slightly at the recollection. He might move so that he's more in the shadows than anything at the moment before can compose himself.

"Y-You can sit down you know. N-No reason for you to, ah, s-stand." And of course Helios will offer because why wouldn't he? Aside from, well, everything that happened of course. But they both know how good they are at deflecting and straying from the truth of things. Helios is just trying to not make this anymore awkward than it might become. He gives a soft smile as he moves over a bit for the other to take a seat.

Giles looks embarrassed to have startled Helios so badly, even after having tried so hard to shake him gently out of his thoughts. "S-Sorry," he says immediately, staring down at his feet. "Sorry, I...I didn't mean to startle you."

He takes the invitation to sit, hoping that it might make Helios a bit less anxious. He's never seen the other shy away from him so much. Well, no...the last time he saw Helios shy away from him this much had been Halloween. Had he really shattered the other that badly?

...no, of course he had. It had been a dream, he hadn't been thinking straight. But, he still had. Stupid, stupid Giles.

But Giles sits, on the far end of the other bench, drawing his legs onto the bench with him so his needs are against his chest. He can't bring himself to look at the other man except brief, nervous glances.

"...last night. You, um...y-you remember?"

They're both good at deflecting, yes. But there comes a point where it has to stop.

Helios looks so terribly apologetic at that. "N-No it, it's fine really! I-I was just deep in thought is all. Y-You don't have to apologize..." ah yes the one thing he was trying to avoid was coming true. He looks over at Giles, worried, immensely so if only because the poster the other has taken up. He turns fully then looking at the other man who is but a mere ghostly specter in this world.

"I-I do. B-But Giles it-it was just a dream..." how can he forget something like that when he hasn't had something like that since Valentine's Day? His green eyes go to the floor then, "I-I'm sorry for, for what happened..." because now this is the product. He couldn't stop that dream from happening though. But that's all it was just a dream and nothing more and he knows that. He was foolish to think otherwise and that's why he hadn't really. Maybe a stray thought when he was being stupid enough to ever think something like that could possibly be real because there was Ginia and they were so very perfect for each other. Getting in the way of that...that wasn't fair and it was beyond anything he would ever think of doing. He had his chance and he blew it by being foolish and too careless. He didn't deserve it anyway, not that he would say so on the matter.

Edited 2012-06-07 01:22 (UTC)

"Gods, Helios, stop."

Giles buries his face in his hands, all the conflicting emotions feeling as though they're choking him to death all over again. Frustration, confusion, desperation and always, always love. It had taken many forms throughout all the time they'd known one another, but it had always been there.

"I'm, um, I'm the one who should be apologizing. It, i-it was, was my dream. I, I should have been, um, more in control of myself. I-I sh-should, should have considered how that, um, might have upset you. I'm sorry, and..."

It's with a supreme effort of will that he looks back up at Helios. The light briefly obscures the lenses of his glasses, but then the glare passes, and Helios will be able to see Giles looking back at him, evidently feeling as lost, alone, and self doubting as Helios himself is.

"...I hope this hasn't ruined anything between us, but...I'll, I'll understand, i-if it has."

A small flinch at the other's emphasized words. He looks apologetic and ashamed. Gods he was so stupid sometimes. Of course he had to go and apologize, but that kiss was probably never meant for him. He just wants to keep on apologizing because it was probably meant for Ginia and he had gotten in the way of that. At the wrong place at the wrong time. And the last thing he wanted to do was ruin things between them. They were all he had here so, so he'd never want something like a dream or one of those experiments the Malnosso placed upon them to ever come between them.

"N-None of us c-could Giles. It's, it's not your fault. D-Dreams are, are well beyond ones c-control so, so it's not as if you had much choice. And I-I..." he stops not saying anything more as he looks at Giles biting his lip as he does so. Gods this was a mess and a conversation he was entirely not ready for. But then again he was foolish to think it wouldn't be brought up. He just looks...hopelessly lost; he doesn't know what to do for the other, really. He can only imagine how Giles is feeling and even then it probably doesn't measure up. His eyes widen a little as he hears those words. No. No. He is not going to let something like this ruin them. If Halloween hadn't then this shouldn't either.

Helios shakes his head, "I-It h-hasn't." He says that with as much sincerity that he can muster at the moment if only to drive the point home to the other man.

"I-I don't want it to, s-so it-it doesn't have to." He just doesn't know what to even say. It was so...strange and awkward and he keeps thinking back to it and how it felt and no. No he is not going to do that anymore because it was Giles. Still it makes his heartache even now as he remembers his own dream with Elise there. But this wasn't fair to either of the three of them. He'll be a bit more distant now but it'll work out everything usually does fix itself in the end, doesn't it?

"...then it won't."

He knows that Helios will try to act normal, he can even trust that the other man really does want things to go back to normal between them, and that he does still value Giles as a friend even if he'd...betrayed the other like this. And maybe that's as much a reflection on Helios' own broken psyche as much as anything, but...maybe it's not. Helios could have left, if he'd wanted to - there were places to go, here, places to hide. But he hadn't.

That had to mean something.

Maybe he can draw Helios in close again as a friend, and a brother, and things will still be all right.

"If there's anything you'd like to say, or, um, talk about...then, um, by all means. I, I won't be upset, Helios. You know that."

There are other things Giles wants to talk about, other dreams he wants to discuss that Helios wasn't there for as anything but Alice's shadow. But even that...well, it's not a matter of being angry. Not really, not in the way Helios fears. Never in the way he knows Helios fears.

So Giles is afraid of what Helios might have stopped himself from saying, what it might have been. He doesn't want the other to clam up around him again, especially not out of fear. And so he prods, gently.

And on a base level he knows he should be angry should be...something. Maybe he should have left and never came back but what would that have done? Maybe he should have yelled about how he was betrayed in a dream world. It would have just caused him to be alone and Giles doesn't deserve that not with the way he is here. But he honestly doesn't know how to be. It was just strange and he will try to pretend everything is fine and he's well and nothing is wrong. That's how he always is, isn't he? This doesn't change much of the other things that's happened between them. At least outwardly it doesn't. Broken psyche is a major contributing factor though. He wonders what Elise would think right now about this how he betrayed her now and back on Valentine's Day. He'll bite his lip hands clenching into fists in his lap. No. He can't think about that, it was an accident, a mistake, a dream he was just caught up in. That's all it was.

He just blinks and looks out towards one of the stores nearby. "I-I don't know." He sounds honestly lost when he says that. He really doesn't know what to say or talk about now. It seems awkward and stilted but he can't really say he didn't expect it after this talk. He doesn't look at Giles for several long seconds.

And Giles looks back at Helios - glad, despite himself, that the other can look at him, but at the same time caught a little off guard, because...well, it's so unusual for Helios to be able to look at him, after all this time.

He lets the silence stretch on, for a while, gives them both a chance to gather their thoughts. Finally, sounding a bit...well, calmer, he speaks. He thinks he can explain, and he thinks it's even an explanation that might help, and so...

"I, um, I meant what I said, Helios. Before...before all of that. Back when we first met...I, I didn't really know what I felt, about you. You, you were literally like no one I'd ever met before. And...for a while, um, my feelings did tend towards the romantic, I confess.

But, um, that was before I knew about Elise." He says her name apologetically, sorry that he's initated a conversation that might have led to her being brought. "Th-That, that was before I really...well, before I really knew you."

Before Ginia is unsaid, but it doesn't really need to be said. After their little promise to one another that, one day, they would meet the daughter who had graced their dreams...no, Giles' devotion to Ginia is without question. So it doesn't matter, if his feelings for Helios are nearly as intense, as long as they're intense after a different fashion. People can work that way. He'd been ready to die for Buffy, after all.

"It's, it's Nero I want to replace, now. Not her." Not Elise. "You, um, you deserve to live in a world that's a bit kinder to you, a-and, and you deserve to be around people that care about you. I meant that."

He looks in disbelief at those words but no, Helios believes the other because why would Giles make something like that up? He never even knew and he feels so stupid now for not knowing. But then again he wasn't the best at these things, he was terrible really, and it's not as if he could ever have returned the feelings anyway. But he feels foolish now even thinking that Elise would be angry with him because his love for her was on the same level as Giles' towards Ginia and that is something he knew well. "When I see you and Ginia...I-I see her and myself." So in love and so perfect for each other.

"I-I know you never meant t-to replace her, gods I-I'd never think that. I-I just...I'm not used to such things. It was just...s-surprising is all." He knows Giles didn't mean to replace her, gods, he's never think that was his motive. But as for Nero...his stomach drops a little at the mentioning of his elder brother.

"I-I know. Y-You h-have, Giles. I-I've, I've realized that now. You-you are a-a brother to me. And, and I wish...I wish sometimes..." that you were actually a blood brother because he was better than his ever would be. It hurt to even think those words but Helios knows it'll never change, as much as he wants it to. It's like a dream they just experienced last night. Fleeting and never amounting to anything but hopeful optimism and wishing. He never says those words and they go unspoken because he doesn't know if he should say them out in the open. But it's...fairly obvious anyway, isn't it? Both of their feelings on the matter only being strengthened by Luceti and now this place. He believes Giles and Ginia to be family and he always will now. A brother and sister who cared, who he never had. He lets out a little laugh as his hands move to his eyes to wipe at them. Sometimes he doesn't believe that, especially when he lapses into another bout of self hatred or depreciation. But if it's brought up enough times it might just sink in, he is stubborn after all.

"You deserve that too you know."

"I have it."

Maybe not a world that's less cruel to him, no, Schwanheim and Luceti and Sunnydale all had seemed to have taken some sort of universal pleasure from tormenting him. But, one day, maybe Helios' world will be kinder. and, as for the rest...

"I, I have that in you, a-and Ginia, Link, Grune, Seto, Pao-Lin, and, a-and Faolin, Olinda...I have been so very fortunate, Helios, to have met the people I have. But you, y-you were the first of them. You, y-you talked with me on my walk in, you cheered me up in the hospital, you, y-you gave me what was probably my last good night in Luceti and, and gods, you made me tea, w-when I came back, and..."

He had a life. He had a wonderful, happy life that was better than all the decades he'd endured thus far. Even as a ghost.

"...and that is what family is supposed to do, for one another, Helios." If Helios could ever come out and say those words aloud, one day, it would be one of the most fulfilling moments of Giles' life. But, on the other hand, he doesn't have to. Giles knows what he wants to say, knows what he might always be too frightened to admit. "My own family was, um...was hardly ideal, but I, I know that much. What else could I do, for you? And...and if I can ever get you to accept that, one day..."

...then he will have lived a good and complete life.

Giles moves a little nearer to Helios, enough to bump very slightly against him. It's as light a sensation as a moth's wing, but perhaps just reminiscent enough of a nudge to the ribs.

"We're family. Brothers. That's...that's more than enough."

That is what family is supposed to do. Maybe one day he'll say it, someday in the future. But for now they both know what should be said and what could eventually be said.

"I-I was just...trying to help you like, like anyone else would." And he's glad it's made the other's life better, wonderful, more happy. He's glad he could finally make such an impact on someone. It's just frightening to think about how much he could ruin it too. But those are fears meant for another day, another time. Right now he's just glad nothing has been ruined and that the two of them can actually still talk in each other's presence. That's more than enough for him if it came down to things turning badly. But then again they're both well beyond their years and he was stupid thinking that something in a dream could potentially ruin everything they had.

He smiles a little swaying slightly in a mock gesture of actually being nudged. "With all we've b-been through I-I think that's, that's quite the term." Everything they went through together in Luceti and even here. It took something more than just simple friends to make it through it as well as they have. A family. "W-We're, um, a slightly less conventional one though." A light laugh.

"But I-I think that you're right." The only thing that would make it perfect would be Elise.

One day, perhaps, Elise can come here. Giles would love to meet her, would love to meet the woman who gave Helios such happiness. He's sure she must be a wonderful person.

"Hang 'conventional'. Sometimes it's, it's the least conventional bonds that are the strongest." Sometimes it's the girl with her ragtag band of friends that can save the world. "I've, um...well, I've s-seen that for myself, time and time again. Trust me."

He knows that Helios does, but sometimes it bears reminding him. Just so long as Giles remains trustworthy.

One day. One day he'd like for everyone to meet her and just to be around her again. He still has his trepidations about such a meeting but, one day perhaps it can be a dream come true.

"Oh, yes, I-I've seen it. I-I think Ra would agree to an extent. Though he might deny the bond part and simply call it an occupation. I think the castle is filled with them, unconventional bonds, and some of them are the strongest. Humans and demons, vampires and werewolves. It's not something you'd see everyday but it's true and powerful if given the chance." Helios laughs a little under his breath. The dragon god and him certainly did have an unconventional bond back home. But without the other Helios would have died that night so he can't say he minds, he'd never mind even if that wasn't the case. Ra can be a bit insufferable but Helios has grown to like the other and he's certain Ra has mutual feelings even if they're glossed over with that insufferable attitude of his.

"I-I'm sorry Giles. For, for th-thinking what I have when we started talking. I-I do trust you on, on so many levels and I-I trust you when we t-talk about things too. And I just want to thank you f-for listening when we have." Because he knows sometimes how terribly dour and awkward it can be to talk to him. Even if that isn't true, even if it isn't what Giles thinks at all, it's something Helios believes. But maybe in time he can get over such thoughts like he has with everything else. "I've c-come a long way since I met you. I never thought I would t-to be honest." He can't say he would have done it on his own, because he might not have. If it's the one thing that's helped him along it's most certainly would be he friends. They gave him a strength and a purpose and he really can't articulate into words how grateful he is for that.

"If...if there's ever anything you want to talk about, Helios, you can. I, um, I will listen, Always. And...I, um, I can't say that I won't be upset, or, um, I might not understand, but...that, th-that won't change anything. I will listen, and, a-and I'll certainly try to understand, and...we, we will s-still be friends."

It is, on occasion, dour and awkward to talk to Helios, and absolutely exhausting on a mental and emotional level to drag him out of his bad days. On the other hand...well, Helios is at a point where he'll be dour and awkward, where he apparently doesn't feel absolutely required to put on a happy face for everyone, all the time. It's a positive step, in a way.

"And...and bearing that in mind, Helios, bearing a-all that in mind, including the f-fact that I mean every word as much as I can mean anything...there's something I have to ask you."

Giles tries to keep his voice level, and succeeds a bit more easily than he had before, because...because, after this talk, he's not afraid anymore, he's not really worried what the answer might be. But not knowing...well, the fear of uncertainty has driven Giles to do worse things, in the past.

"I-I know. I-I appreciate that. I'm s-sorry I...I make things d-difficult at times f-for you and, and Ginia." And sometimes he will hole himself up and not talk about it and never mention it to either of them. Bad days that he still has, but he's slowly getting better at not making them so frequent. Still talking about things is hard for him even after how far he's come. In the end it's always him, never anyone else, because he knows Giles will listen and try to understand but he just...always feels like a burden when he does. He still tries to put on a happy face but it's...not a bad thing when he can't either. He's not sure if he should even mention the other dreams he had. They're almost too painful, really, to even want to talk about.

Helios will look back at the other curiously and also somewhat uncertain. He hears the tone of voice in the other, knows something is wrong. But he's also willing to listen and try to answer to the best of his abilities.

"O-Of course. I, ah, I'll try to answer to-to the best of my abilities." He doesn't sound all that certain though his gaze falling back to the ground.

"What happened..." Giles takes off his glasses, but can't even bring himself to clean them. His body feels heavy as lead even as he's less substantial than air. But he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, steels himself, and plunges on. "Helios...while I was gone...w-what happened, between you and, and Alice?"

The things he'd seen, in his own dream...the affection, the intimacy, the love, even glimpsed out of the corner of his eye Helios and Alice had been so obviously in love. From what little Giles knows of Alice, he knows that she's a pragmatic being, or at least one that attempts to be her own twisted version of pragmatic. He doesn't really believe that she could conjure up images like that, strong enough that they were imprinted on his mind, his dreamscape...without some very intense feelings to go along with them.

And Helios' stomach drops to the floor. He wasn't expecting that question because now he's wondering how Giles even knew. Alice wasn't around, at least when he had last spoken with Ginia, and gods he knows Ginia wouldn't have talked about that. He looks honestly afraid for a few seconds because he can't really imagine Giles not being angry about this. His voice catches in his throat along with his breath, and it's several seconds later that he's actually able to respond. Nothing really happened in truth. Just another experiment toying with people's emotions and Malnosso's idea of a cruel ironic joke. The fact that he could never feel that emotion anymore and then giving it back to him for a week was always something that made him sick to think about.

"Giles. I-I can...I can explain." His voice is a little shaky because this was something he wasn't planning on talking about and oh god Giles was probably so angry with him.

"I-I'm sorry I-I should have t-told you sooner." Helios look back at Giles in utter, utter apology.

"I...I just d-didn't know how and-and it was an experiment. It-it w-wasn't anything...anything..." real. Or true, or even long lasting. The effects and the profound emptiness he always felt when love is concerned were still there even after the experiment. The guilt still very much apparent as he talks about it now. He'll ball up his hands, biting his lip.

"H-How did you...how did you know?" Because he doesn't understand. Unless...oh, gods, Alice was in his own dream so this must have been the same for Giles at some point too.

"Alice."

He's not angry, Helios. Just...disappointed. In Helios, in himself, in Ginia and Alice, Luceti on the whole and the entire sodding universe. But, well, he'd had his fears more or less since the beginning that Ginia might come to prefer Helios. It was just Giles' way to worry like that. Really, in a way, it had been almost a relief to realize that it was Alice instead of Ginia.

Almost.

"Last night...well, you, you weren't the only to, um, arrive in my dreams. N-Not by, um, any stretch of the imagination. I, um, I suppose whatever...'bits' of Ginia's mind make up Alice must have, um, f-found it a bit easier to, to traverse the dreamscape, and...well, um, we met. We talked. And, um, as the dream in question happened to be set in, in what I've always imagined your world to be...she asked about you." And, despite all his efforts, Giles can't quite keep a sour note out of his voice as he adds: "Repeatedly."

Helios is disappointed in himself too. He is so disappointed and so very, very sorry that this is was how Giles had to find out.

"I-I'm sorry. I-I couldn't control myself. If-if you're a-angry I-I understand." He fully understands and he wonders now if everything they just discussed was for naught. He fights back a flinch but it still comes out despite his best efforts.

"I'm so sorry. It was w-wrong and I explained to Alice after we w-were back to normal again." If he could change what happened he would. He would change it with a lot of effort because it was nice feeling that way, loved again being able to love again, but it was so terribly wrong. Wrong and not his place to have done that. But Luceti doesn't care about such morals of the people who live there.

"It n-never a-amounted to anything." A pause, "but sh-she knows. She knows about N-Nero now."

He sounds slightly more scared when he says his elder brother's name there is always fear and terror when Nero is talked about. As if saying it will make the other appear like a nightmarish horror.

"Yes, Helios, it did. You, um, you might wish it hadn't, but y-you, you didn't see her, last night. The very thought of you...well, I'm, um, I'm not sure I've ever seen her quite that...happy. She loves you. I, ah...I really think she still does."

Funny, that...in the usual terribly-not-funny way of the world. Helios was the reason Alice had always set Giles' teeth on edge. Of course Helios and Alice would wind up bonding, becoming friends, even falling in love. And Ginia doesn't know a thing about it.

"Well. He isn't here. There's, um, there's that, a-at least."

Helios might feel guilty about expressing any negative sentiment towards his brother. Giles has no such compunctions.

He winces and hunches a little on himself at that remark. He wishes it hadn't because it wasn't fair to her, to Ginia, to Giles. He made a mess out of things...no. The Malnosso made a mess out of things again. His stomach drops at the mentioning of her loving and he can only shake his head. "N-No. It-it's not like that." Not hat kind of love, or maybe he just hopes it's not because he's such a terrible person to love. Always messing things up, never knowing how to act or even what to do anymore. He was a terrible person to love even if he's only trying to make himself believe that.

"I-It c-can't be like that. B-Because I can't..." he just looks at anywhere but Giles. "After Elise...I haven't been able to feel that sort of emotion towards anyone anymore." It's a painful admission, the sorrow and sadness and lack of emotion in his voice tells everything. Even if his expression is deadpan and so very tired. It's not something he ever tells anyone but Giles isn't just anyone. It only serves to remind him of how terrible he would be at it. Love. Gods it's been five years or more since then. Valentine's Day was a shock because that emotion was so powerful, it made him feel almost alive again. But it was wrong and that wasn't how it was supposed to be.

"T-true lights only have-have one person they're supposed to be with for as long as they live." He'll blink rapidly staving off that stinging in his eyes. Alice wasn't it.

"I-I should...I should t-talk to her." About this and about his own dream too. "S-Sorry. I...I made things difficult a-again for you. I-I don't...I don't know what to say." And for that reason he's truly sorry about it. Because he should but what else was to say? He never meant to do that with her, gods, not Alice of all people. But he also feels so terribly sad because if her feelings are still that strong and lingering it wasn't fair to either Giles or Ginia.

Edited 2012-06-09 19:58 (UTC)

"I suppose love might be that utterly sensible in your world, Helios. But, it's, it isn't quite the same, for the rest of us. We love who we can't have all the time...n-no matter how much it hurts."

Giles is upset, and sad, and it shows in his tone of voice. But he's upset and sad over a great many things, not angry. It's so very hard to ever be angry at Helios, and even if he could find it in himself to feel that way...it would be different, if it had been Ginia. But Giles has no claim on Alice. He doesn't love her, she doesn't love him, beyond the sad obligation she seems to feel as a tenant in Ginia's body.

Besides. He'd loved Helios, once, as something other than a friend or a brother. It's not as though he can't understand what Alice might see in him. He does, probably more than she knows.

"I agree, you should. Of course...well, that would involve drawing her out, an unpredictable job at best."

...or so he'd always understood it to be. Giles realizes with some trepidation that even that might have changed, in three and a half months.

Helios, on the other hand, doesn't quite fully understand what either of the two of them ever saw in him. Giles a little bit more now after all of this but Alice...he doesn't think himself anything special and certainly not anyone who should be loved in such a way.

"I just don't understand." He sounds utterly lost when he says that. He never knows what to do in these situations and so he sounds mildly awkward too.

"I don't even know what I-I would say. I-I told her a-about me. About why it would never work." It would only cause her unnecessary pain in the end, so he doesn't really see why she would bother still. He sighs sounding utterly exhausted and defeated by this entire exchange in general. And then his mind drifts to ideas of leaving this town, this place in general. It would be easier if he did, wouldn't it?

No. No he can't think like that. It would only make them worry more.

"Why aren't you angry w-with me?" He doesn't understand that either. Giles should be, he should be a great deal angrier than he is, which he's not, and Helios doesn't understand that. He'll bite his lip and look away shifting in his seat as if to try and move away.

"Because you never were, with me." Giles looks very, very pointedly at Helios' hand, the one that still, even worlds away, bears the scars of a knife. "Even when I'd done far worse to deserve it.

"Because it was an experiment." People changed, during experiments. Sometimes, they became things entirely besides what they were supposed to be. The Malnosso had proven just as easily able to manipulate the mind and the body. Even the soul. Giles knew that.

"Because...I, I-I trust that you'd, um, never willingly do me harm." This is a bit of a harder admission. Because the Malnosso had made him fear that, in the past, made him fear Helios forgetting about him, no longer caring, moving on. But that had only been another of their designs, and a future that had never been. If he kept telling himself that enough, Giles could even believe it.

"...because you...y-you would have been good for them. Either of them." There had been days, where he'd wondered if Ginia would come to prefer Helios, over him.

"Because I, I don't love Alice and, a-and even if I did...sh-she was always free to, to find someone else. I wasn't there."

And that's the cold and practical truth of it, and the part that hurts the most to admit. Even so, Giles forces himself. Helios told him the truth. He owes the other man the same.

"You t-told me that night that you'd n-never harm me. And I'll tell you the same thing. I...I would never do anything to harm you or Ginia. Not-not of my own free will. Luceti and this place though...it-it's harder to keep such promises, isn't it?" He feels that stare at his hand and just...shifts a little bit trying to conceal it. The pain he went through that night never did leave him. Neither did the nightmares, infrequent now, but always still there. But even so, he sounds sincere when he speaks those words and he truly means them too. Never in a million years would he ever harm the other because he just couldn't do it, not a man he considered his brother. He doesn't look back at Giles though. It hurts to hear those words "good for them" how could he be good for them if he couldn't even be good for Elise?

"I don't think I would be good at all." Never gives himself enough credit for these things. He probably would have just wound up getting them hurt and he has already, hasn't he? The bakery the day before Halloween. He'd never be as good for either of them as Giles thinks.

Helios winces though and finally looks back at Giles. "It w-wasn't because you l-left Giles. Ginia...Ginia never stopped thinking about you. I-I never did either. E-Everyone missed you when you left, a-and no one would ever forget you. Not-not like that, not ever." Helios isn't sure he ever could forget. Maybe with Malnosso intervention but never on his own accord.

"She missed you s-so terribly much. I-I tried to help her but...I don't think I was the right p-person to do so." How can he help someone when he himself was so riddled with the same loss? "It wasn't enough."

"...I seem to recall you saying much the same when you came back with Robert, as well."

That particular memory is still fresh in his mind, even through the haze of pain and disorientation that had hung over him like a sickness after facing Schwartz. He'd been short with Helios, that day, but only because he'd been out of sorts and terrified at the idea that Helios had been kidnapped and Giles hadn't remembered it.

"Claiming that, um, y-you weren't a 'suitable' person to assist one of your friends, when, in fact, as a sympathetic friend going through, um, a very similar experience, or having gone through it in the past, you were, um, probably ideal."

Helios' eyes widen at the recollection. Gods Robert going through that, even now, made him cringe and wince in pain and mild horror.

Helios looks at Giles sullen but appreciative. "O-Oh. Y-Yes. I-I suppose you're right. E-Even then I...I don't know if I helped R-Robert." He'll sigh and shake his head.

"I-I couldn't help him in the end with, with the p-pain. There's no way to help that." Unless he got rid of his soul. The pain that he's always in, no cure, no nothing.

"I d-don't know about ideal but I...I was there as m-much as possible." For Ginia and Robert. It's all he could really offer at the time whilst not burdening them with his own problems.

"There is no 'ideal' in a situation like that, Helios. In, um, in most cases, it isn't a matter of being able to, t-to fix matters right then and there."

Giles knows that, well, he's one to talk. Not being able to fix a problem just as it arises, whether that problem is a bloodthirsty goddess or a friend in pain, is agony to him. But he remembers the words a woman spoke to him a long time ago, about how sometimes people needed time, and space, to get better. They stuck with him, and so he can at least pass the advice along.

"Being there as, um, as a friend...that's enough, and, a-and that's really all you can expect of yourself, or that anyone can ask of you."

Helios laughs a little shaking his head as he does so. "No there really isn't, is there? N-Not in a-any situation like that." He looks at the sky then sighing as he relaxes just a little leaning back into the bench. "I just...w-want to fit it as much as p-possible." Always, no matter what the cost, but Giles probably knows that better than anyone. Selfless to a fault, really, but he can't honestly not be. It's just something that's become ingrained in him.

"I-I should. I know. But I just..." he looks back at Giles with a small shrug. "I can't help it." Seeing people in pain, pain like he's been in or experienced...

He really can't help but try to do everything he can for them, even if being there as a friend is good enough.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Log: Fourth of Rebirth's Decline

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I never got this notif!!! /punts DW

/also punts DW

>:( it has failed us!!

/shakes fist at uncaring heavens

why do they forsaken usss

All is lost! All!

Noooo.

/dies

D8 nooo

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